Other People’s Drama… Often we get side swiped by OPD. Have you done this before? Have you allowed yourself to get caught up in someone else’s unresolved issues? Have you ever woke up and noticed that you caught swept up in the wind storm and you are ignoring your own needs and obligations?
Are you rescuing the Damsels in Distress over and over? Is your Prince, one of possibility but not enough actions? Are you helping him/her get his dreams off the ground but not investing enough in your own? Is your Prince of Possibility ever going to be a reality?
Stop the insanity. And stop buying into other peoples drama. There is a certain amount of drama in life that is unavoidable. People get ill, people die, they have car accidents, and lose their jobs. Yes, there is drama and there is also the kind of drama that can be avoided.
If you are out there dating follow this simple D-R-A-M-A acronym that I invented and don’t date people will the following.
D: Divorce Drama. Are they separated and going through a messy divorce? Or a quiet, calm divorce? If it’s messy and mean, let them finish their divorce and then see if you are still available. I’ve seen so many people ruin their lives and risk their savings by helping people going through a divorce only to find out later that once the dust settled they weren’t sure what they really wanted in love. And often that meant letting go of the person who helped them most. Do you really want to set yourself up for that risk? I don’t think so. Remember that there are really, really A LOT OF SINGLE PEOPLE who are already divorced and emotionally ready for love. You don’t have to settle.
R: Re-probates: I have never understood why people would want to write and worse yet get married to someone who was in jail. You see these people on shows like Jerry Springer. I knew a woman who married a man who was in jail for embezzling money. Really? Like, oh really…you want to date and marry someone who was convicted. Oh and people who’ve repeatedly been on probation for something like DUI or anything else. You are asking for problems when you date people who have “a history” like that.
A friend of mine write a wonderful song and recorded it: It goes like this:
“I like broken-hearted men, they cry when you make love to them. Well-adjusted they are not. But they give you EVERYTHING they got. (Read: Drama.) Oh, I like broken-hearted men. The next refrain: My idea of a perfect date is a one night stand with a re-probate. Oh, I like broken-hearted men. Enough said. PS. Amy, is supposed to be sending me her CD so that I can post her amazing song. Look for a posting where I let you listen in.
Stop the insanity. Look at the choices that you are making in love and life. There are well-adjusted people who handle the natural life’s dramas quite well and just want a little bit of wind beneath their wings from their partner. Why do you keep falling into a pattern of choosing the fixer uppers?
Getting back to D-R-A-M-A
The first A is for Anger Management Issues. If someone shows you early on any signs of having Anger Issues…take a detour and get back to the drawing board. You don’t want that. Note: You are particularly vulnerable if you had a parent who had anger issues. Why are you vulnerable? Because people who have lived through that type of drama with their parents don’t know how to draw healthy boundaries in this area. These people simply accept too much of it in their life because they have already survived it. You may think things like: We are so in love. S/he will never treat me like that. Not true their anger issues will turn on you in the end. Some people are rage-aholics (their drug is anger.) The symptoms go like this: They are all sweet, then they get triggered, then they explode all over you, then they feel better but you feel awful, they then promise to NEVER EVER do that again but they do. Without proper treatment, they keep doing it again and again expecting you to forgive them, until one day…you just can’t and you leave. Yes, you leave but after wasting a good part of your life.
M: Money and Married- You want to stay away from dating people who are currently married or already in a relationship. I should even have to write this but there are so many people who aren’t believing that they can really have what they want in life and love that they fall for OPP (other peoples partners). Don’t do it. There are plenty of people out there who are emotionally available and actually single.
M#2 Money issues: In this economy nearly everyone has some money concern. What you want to avoid is someone who has a life long history of money issues. These people are in denial and lie to themselves about why they are still broke. Many of these people are kind of happy in a sick way that so many other people are having money issues. Why? They blend in with the rest of the misery loves company crowd. It doesn’t matter so much…where people are now. It’s where they have been and where they are currently going that matters. Can they dust themselves off and create finances again? Can you do it together? You betcha if they don’t have any of the other dramas getting in the way.
The last A: Active Addiction Issues. AA tells newly recovering people not to date for the first year of recovery. There are just too many ups and downs in the first year of recovery to add relationships to the mix. So if you are actively in recovery, focus on your recovery first. And do not seek out someone else who is recovery or who even has ever had a problem with drugs or alcohol. Find someone who is more stable in that area. You can then help them with some other area of their life that you are better with.
If you are someone whose never had to deal with addiction issues in your family or yourself then do not try to take this on your own. Seriously, you are not qualified to help someone detox over and over.
I was engaged to a man many years ago who had recovered from drinking and a pain med addiction that he acquired while battling cancer. Not only had he recovered from cancer twice, he had also quit smoking. WOW! I thought if he could do that, he could do anything. Not true. The one thing he couldn’t give up was ANGER. He was still angry 20 years later for his mother changing the color of paint in his bedroom when he was younger. My clue should have been when he said: “I couldn’t believe my wife divorced me even after I went to AA and made my amends. She said: You may have quit drinking but you are acting like the same a-h*** that you did while drinking.”
That was a long time ago, when I too was allowing myself to believe in someone’s potential and not what was really showing up in daily life. That’s when the Eight Levels of Love came to me to teach. I realized then that he never made it past the 3rd level of love as his anger issues dominated so much of his life. (More on that in another post.)
So, hear me when I say, If you want to have an amazing Drama-Free Relationship, go for people who don’t have the 5 areas of drama going on. Yes, you can find love. You can find Drama-Free Love. Take a stand for that.
Next blog will be on what to look for in love. We will explore the opposite of DRAMA. AWARD. Look for that acronym in the next blog. It is Drama spelled backwards with the M turned upside down making it a W. Curious? tune in next time.
Copyright 2012 Susan Bradley of http://www.MyDramaFreeRelationship.com (TM) All Rights Reserved. Please forward and post this article in places where it will help others but do not post without my copyright and TM mark. Thank you.
